


get a load of this trainwreck

by imapanmess



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Enbyinnit, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Trans Character, Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), afab tommyinnit, anywho this gets dark, be careful, its purely a vent fic, non-binary tommyinnit, this is not supposed to be about the real person, this is very ooc, this wasnt supposed to have happy ending, trans author, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29402052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imapanmess/pseuds/imapanmess
Summary: Tommy is afab and non-binary. gender dysphoria is a bitchCW/TW - referenced Self-harm , gender dysphoria , self-harm scars , general self hatred , crying , just generally dark thoughts , suicidal-type thoughts, slight mention of blood
Comments: 13
Kudos: 247





	get a load of this trainwreck

**Author's Note:**

> CW/TW - referenced Self-harm , gender dysphoria , self-harm scars , general self hatred , crying , just generally dark thoughts , suicidal-type thoughts, slight mention of blood
> 
> this is very much a vent fic and if tommy ever says he is uncomfortable with things like ill take it down!
> 
> Please be careful when reading this!

Tanya didn’t want this. _She_ didn’t want this chest. _She_ didn’t want these hands. This nose. This smile. These hips. Why? Why did _She_ have to be in this body? Why did everyone else get to be in their own body’s? Why did _She_ have to be in the wrong one? Was there even a body for _Her_? Tears started to drip down _Her_ face. His face? Their face? 

It was late. too late to be awake. especially when there was school tomorrow. They were often up this late so it wasn’t anything new to them. Too late to be crying anyhow. Didn't want to wake up the parents. They pulled their legs up and sniffled trying not to be loud. God they hated this. It would be so easy to just go to sleep. drift away from this feeling. but no they had to sit there and cry and panic and hate into the early hours of the morning. It was already 1am and they had scheduled to stream tomorrow. If they didn’t get any sleep they would be too exhausted to do anything bare in mind put on their stream persona. 

They didn’t know how long they could take this.  _ She. Her. Herself. Tanya. Women. Girl.  _ It all just felt so wrong. How many more nights could they spend crying, spiralling, in pain. It’s not necessarily the pronouns that bothered them. They didn’t mind she/her pronouns. It was the  _ women , girl , lady , daughter.  _ They weren’t a woman. They weren’t a man. Well not entirely. It hurt so much. being seen as just a woman. the annoying teenage  _ girl _ that hangs out with wilbur and tubbo. 

Today had been the worst. They’d woke up with the worst dysphoria they’d had in months. They had been ‘binding’ with multiple old sports bras for well over 10 hours and god their chest hurt. Their chest wasn't even flat.They’d had to split up into  _ boys and girls  _ in biology. Multiple people had mentioned that they needed to ‘grow their hair out because they're not a boy’ and to top it all off big q had chased them round the smp shouting ‘come here womannnn’. They had almost given up and just let q catch them but they had a character to hold up. They knew most of them didn't mean it in bad intent. They didn't know but it still hurt.

They just wanted out. It would be so easy. The blade hidden in the box under their bed. It was right there. So close. The scars on their legs. On their hips. Itching for more. More scars. More blood. More pain to this body. This stupid fucking body. They wanted to stop being misgendered. He? They? anything was fine. just not she for once in this god forsaken life. They didn't mind She but it was difficult when that was the only pronoun used. They wanted to stop being dead-named. Anything was better than ‘Tanya’. Their preferred name was Tommy but Theodosia would be better than Tanya. All they wanted was to not be the girl. Not be the daughter, the sister. Not be Ms Innit. Mr Innit? Mx Innit? 

Emotions are confusing. Tommy had learnt that a long time ago. When they first started growing uncomfortable with being the girl. being the female. It wasn’t the pronouns or even his body at the time. It was the name. It was being the  _ ‘girl’ _ of the group. being the one who was  _ feminine _ . Maybe that was why they had worked so hard to be the tomboy. Do the things ‘boys’ do. Short hair. Video games. Not liking the colour pink. being loud. aggressive. annoying. All stereotypically masculine things.He supposed there were some good things that came along with all of this. They never would have met Wilbur or Tubbo or Phil or any of their closest friends if it wasn’t for trying to be interested in video games at a young age but sometimes he wondered if it was worth it. Was it worth changing their entire personality if they were still in pain, still in this body. 

Even more confusing was how he viewed their own gender. They weren't a man. He wasn't a woman. They werent non-binary. But at the same time He was a man, She was a woman, They were non-binary. It was a very confusing time when they were first figuring out. Nothing ever felt right at first. Trans-man? No. Genderfluid? No. Demiboy? No. Demigirl? Genderqueer? Bigender? No. No. No. Tommy had come to accept that they were just different. They didn't need a label. The easiest way he had found to describe it was using the expression all or nothing. Tommy was all  **and** nothing. They were all of the genders yet none of the genders at the same time. It was still confusing but slightly easier to comprehend. 

They had managed to stop sobbing but a few silent tears were still flowing down his cheeks. They knew that they should take off their ‘binders’. They knew they should get out of the same black hoodie he had been wearing for the past few days but he didn't think he could take looking at his ‘feminine’ body. They needed a haircut and they couldn't stop thinking about all the little nitpicky things about them. If they got in front of a mirror it would be even worse. They barely recognised themself anymore. The image in their head was distorted and drastically different. It was disorientating seeing themself and he streamed for a living so that wasn't fun. 

Tommy got up. He’d stopped crying now and he really didn't want to cry again. They needed a distraction and what's a better distraction than his phone. They sat up with a sigh clutching their chest. His chest ached and he could feel his ‘binder’ digging deep into his ribs. They really should take it off. He doesn't want permanent damage. They still didn't take it off and reached over to grab his phone. After a few deep breaths he unlocked his phone and opened discord. Why did they open discord? It's not like he wanted to talk to anyone there? None of them knew what they were feeling. They never would. Only a few people were online. Karl, Sapnap, Dream and Ere-. A wave of realisation washed over Tommy. Eret might know. Eret might be able to help. Tommy so desperately wanted someone to understand. Wanted someone to know. Wanted someone to tell them to take their binder off and to tell them that they are valid. Tommy’s eyes stung thinking about it. He could ask erte right? 

Maybe it was exhaustion or delusion but hesitantly, Tommy clicked on Erets name and opened their messages. This would be okay. Right? Eret was accepting. Eret might understand. He typed a quick message. 

  
  


**_1:47_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

Hey Eret

Can we talk?

**Eret:** **_1:47_ **

Of course!

Whats up? 

**_1:48_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

Umm.. your non-binary right?

**Eret:** **_1:48_ **

Yeah! Why? 

**_1:49_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

So...I've never actually said this to anyone before but

_ Im a-  _

_ i'm not a girl- _

_ i use he/they- _

_ I- _

_ i don't like being-  _

_ I’m nonbin-  _

_ Ive been thinking- _

_ Im not a boy or a girl-  _

_ I-  _

_ fuck -  _

  
  


Tommy really didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone that you're not who they think you are? How do you tell someone anything without a label?

  
  


**Eret:** **_1:52_ **

You okay? 

I’m not sure what you're trying to tell me but it's okay

take your time! 

**_1:53_ ** **TanyaInnit:** **  
** Sorry…

This is really nerve wracking

I've known this for a while but i've been scared to tell anyone

So yeah

**_1:56_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

I’m not a girl

I’m also not a boy

Well not fully

**Eret:** **_1:56_ **

Okay! Thanks for telling me!

Can you explain a little more though?   
I don't wanna get anything wrong!

**_2:01_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

Okay...so i'm not a boy or a girl

I haven't found a label so this is kinda hard to explain

I use um They/He/She pronouns

So like you i guess 

But im not non-binary

Idk how to explain it

I'm like all the genders and none of them at the same time 

I'm not really making much sense haha 

  
  


**Eret:** **_2:02_ **

Okay...I think i've got it

Do you have a different name?

Also are you okay with feminie/masculine terms?

  
  


**_2:03_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

Tommy :)

I know it’s a typically masculine name but i like it

Fits with the brand lmao

Tommyinnit!

Uhhhh I don't like feminie terms, they make me feel icky :/ 

Masc ones are alright tho!

So are neutral ones!

**Eret:** **_2:04_ **

Thanks for telling me Tommy!

Should i use your name/pronouns on stream or just in private?

  
  


**_2:04_ ** **TanyaInnit:**

Just in private thanks 

I'll tell others when i'm ready

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me shoving my issues with gender onto a block man. please don't be mean literally this is just me but with a different name haha. I'm projecting hard.
> 
> this is getting like way too much attention so here's my twitter if you wanna talk or something idk   
> \- @boo_haydxn


End file.
